The Case Of The Over-Acting Hands

As you may know, our family had an elf living with us for the month of December. He was sent from the North Pole to keep an eye on things and to report back to Santa. Outside of a small altercation with the tooth fairy, things went smoothly and we were sad to see him leave us on Christmas Eve.

We said our goodbyes and took comfort in knowing that we'll see Quacky again next December.

Our elf visitor took a seat beside the cookies and milk to wait for Santa to retrieve him.

What happened next was truly astounding. We set the laptop webcam on record and went to bed. This is the incredible footage the children saw Christmas morning...Click Here: Santa's Visit

The kids were floored! Our son's reaction was priceless. It nearly brought me to tears. Ah, to be young and to believe...

That brilliant performance was given by my talented bro-in-law. Julian, thank you for making such a sweet memory for our kids (and for eating 16 cookies in the process).

Julian had to step in because my husband, who came up with the video idea, could NOT perform without causing us to collapse in fits of laughter. The man can't stop himself from hamming it up. God I love that guy. Here's his "expressive" performance. Please note the over-acting going on with his hands. Hysterical. Click Here: Santa's hesitant yet reflective hands.


Merry Christmas everyone! May you laugh and love and joyously over-act this holiday season. xo

Mama Needs A New Video Cam

My children are so used to having their pictures snapped, they barely even notice the blinding flash anymore. It's funny to see them strike a cheesy Sears Catalogue pose at a moment's notice. They know it's less painful to just play along than to protest.

Like many moms, I tend to be the family historian, capturing special moments on film or in words. The births of our children, their first steps, first words, first poop on the potty even. (That last one might have been a bit much, but it's not like the photo's displayed on our mantel or anything).

I have to say I've done a fairly decent job documenting our life in pictures. Video taped moments however have been abysmal. When our first child was born we bought a video camera. At the time it was state of the art. Six years later, it's now a relic. I don't even know how to transfer the cassettes to the computer for editing. So the images remain preserved on tape for nobody to see. We haven't used the camera for ages. It's big, clunky, takes forever to charge and is generally a giant pain in the ass. Instead, I film video snippets on my digital camera. It's more convenient and uploading the images is easier however...the quality of the videos is poor. The colour is awful and the images are grainy.

Check it out for yourself (Avery's first steps last winter) Click Photo:


Avery's On The Move
See? Dark and grainy. Plus the audio makes my voice all shrill and annoying. Oh wait, my voice IS shrill and annoying. I don't care. I'm blaming it on the camera anyway.

Santa Baby, mama needs a Flip camera for the holidays. It's little but powerful. I can carry it with me anywhere to capture quality video of "first moments" whenever and wherever they happen.

So ParentClub or Rookie Moms, if you're listening, I've been a very good girl this year (mostly) so if you could put in a good word with Santa for me, that would be great!

Getting A Little Too Jolly....

For the love of god why did I stop running??? This summer I was on such a roll. Now I simply HAVE rolls. In three short months I have undone all of my hard work. I trained for and ran a 15km race last August. I was feeling fit and fab. Now I'm fat and drab. If I don't get back on track soon, I'll be trading in my Victoria Secrets for these unmentionables...
I'm no spring chicken over here. As the big 4-0 looms I know I need to get moving and stay motivated. This is why my yearly New Year's resolutions have come early this year - etched in chalk on the kitchen wall.
My husband was literally laughing out loud as he watched me write these affirmations. He also shouted out a few he'd like me to add. They were funny. Really funny. I asked his permission to include them in this blog. Not gonna happen. I can say however that two of his suggestions are described rather graphically on Urban Dictionary and one I'm pretty sure, is illegal.

What are your New Year's Resolutions?

Tooth Fairy Meets The Elf

Precious Moment #2: Tooth Fairy/Elf Smack Down
Have you heard of the Elf on the Shelf? An elf is sent from the North Pole to keep an eye on the children of the house and report back to Santa. Currently we have an elfin house guest named "Quacky" (don't ask) living with us.

Every night our son tucks Quacky into the little elfin bed he made for him in his bookcase. Each morning, he wakes to discover the elf is missing. When the family is asleep, this inanimate elf becomes "real". He sneaks out of bed and gets into all sorts of mischief. He also uses the phone to call Santa...long distance. Occasionally he uses my computer to shoot Santa an email update (I'm not sure, but I think he has also been logging onto some nasty elf porn sites).

We are having a hoot moving the elf around the house and staging him in different scenarios before we go to bed (don't you just LOVE the legit lies we get to tell our children around the holidays??). The other night my husband and I were killing ourselves laughing at some of the completely inappropriate situations we could put the elf in. I won't subject you to our immaturity...but we came up with some doozies!

Last week our son lost his tooth. Literally. It fell out in the family room before bed and we could NOT find it. Finally, after moving the couch, we spotted a little white speck. How it got behind the couch I'll never know.

We did the usual oohing and ahhing and documenting on the calendar and phoning of the grandparents and then...it was time for our toothless child to tuck the elf in for the night. At that point I noticed our son's worried face. I asked him what was wrong. He said,and I quote, "Oh man. I don't have a good feeling about this. An elf and the Tooth Fairy, in the same room? This can't be good." I put on my most serious and concerned face and assured him that elves and fairies are on friendly terms. There would be no turf war of any kind.

However, in the morning, the elf had been the victim of a toilet papering prank and his bed had been short sheeted.

Damn fairies.

God I love Christmas.

With the joy of the season, comes the frantic, hectic hell that is life for women everywhere this time of year. That doesn't mean that men don’t feel stressed during the holidays. Oh wait, yes it means exactly that, since Christmas is a WOMAN’S burden. "Burden" isn't a very festive term I know. Sorry. My husband would be more than happy to do anything I asked of him. But due to my sick need to control everything, the man is rarely asked to lift a finger. This black hole of shopping, list making, cooking, cleaning and wrapping despair, was dug by yours truly. So I need to shut up, suck it up and get on with it because…

…the holidays are jam packed with “memory moments” and I don’t want to miss any of them.

It’s cliché and obvious, but these times go by in a blink of an eye. Our children won’t remember if the boughs on the banister were perfectly hung or if the napkin rings at Christmas dinner all matched. They WILL remember dressing up like elves in the basement, skating on the backyard rink and putting on a “Christmas Musical Extravaganza” in the living room. This is what matters. Screw the napkin rings.

I’m glad I was able to dig myself out from under the pile of Christmas paper, ribbon and tape (which I cannot find the end of by the way and it's making me nuts!) so that I didn’t miss these precious family moments:

Precious Moment #1 – Devil Zone: I really built up the whole family tree decorating thing. We baked cookies (the absolute shittiest cookies ever I might add), listened to holiday hits and hung the ornaments. The six year old was duly impressed. The three year old, not so much. She was happier to remove the ornaments and hurl them at the dog. Poor Roger takes a lot of abuse. He finally had enough and ended up trying to blend in elsewhere.

Finally I couldn’t take anymore "Peek-a-boos" from beneath the tree and confined DD to her highchair where she could observe without wreaking havoc.
After she tried to eat a bell from her hat, she went for some “quiet time” in her room. When her face suddenly appeared mere inches from the lens of the surveillance camera in her room we bolted upstairs. This is what we found.
This was not the Norman Rockwell holiday scene I’d envisioned. At this point, DS was busy at work hanging a sign from his little sister’s door. I had to squint to make out the words. “Devil Zone.” Hahahahahaha. She may be a little devil but she’s also the sweetest angel ever.

Precious Family Moment #2 – Tooth Fairy vs. The Elf on the Shelf Smackdown....coming tomorrow

Merry...

Yesterday in our son’s grade one class the teacher asked each child to share one special activity they enjoy over the holidays. Our son said, “We do that thing, you know, where you do it once every night before the holiday comes. I can’t remember what that thing is called.”

“A menorah?” asked the teacher.

“Yes.” He answered.

“So you celebrate Hanukkah?” she asked him.

“Yes. Yes we do,” he said.

Oh holy Hosanna. The activity he was looking for was, opening a door of the advent calendar!

“Do we celebrate Kwanzaa mummy?” he asked us later that day.

“No hun, we don’t.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Well, we’re not from Africa,”I explained.

“Do you hafta be from Africa?? Can’t we celebrate it anyway.”

“Um. I guess we can." *Mental note: buy some black, red and green candles...

Merry Hanukwanzza everyone! ;)

Tag!

I've been tagged by @LiteMochaMom and been asked to answer a few get to know you questions. What the hell, it’s a distraction from the pain of my ridiculous sneezing injury. (You KNOW you’re getting old when you sneeze and throw your back out...).

In case you've never done this, just remember to link to the person who tagged you, answer the same questions, and then tag five people to do the same. Have fun! And let me know if you do it.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Dolly Parton. True story.

2. Where was your first kiss? In the bush. That is to say, the bushes, in the park near our house. I was ten.

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? My guilty conscience would never allow that. Damn it because I think I would’ve made an excellent graffiti artist.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? My neighbour when I was seven. Made him bleed. What? He totally asked for it.

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Unfortunately, yes. Hand me a karoke microphone and all hell breaks loose.

6. What's the first thing you notice about your preferred sex? Eyes. Not, if they have them. I mean their warmth.

7. What really turns you off? A mean spirit, no sense of humour and foul odors of any kind.

8. What do you order at Starbucks? I don’t enjoy Starbucks actually. Besides, I have a Tassimo now!

9. What is your biggest mistake? Not following through. Started so many hobbies (dance, music, Judo, English riding) but lost interest and quit.

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? No. Too afraid of pain.

11. Say something totally random about yourself. I can NOT sleep in an unmade bed. I must make it, then fold down the covers and slide in.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? I’ve been compared to Elle McPherson, Gisele Bundchen and Kate Moss. Oh wait, I’VE compared myself to them. (I’m also delusional) Others claim I look like Elizabeth Perkins or that other chick from Weeds.

13. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? Yes. Dora’s voice makes me want to change my answer to #10.

14. Did you have braces? Dear god, yes. Four and a half LONG metallic years I suffered (and that doesn’t include the “retainer years”).

15. Are you comfortable with your height? Yup. I loved being long and lean. Though these days I’m just long...

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? So many things but it’s the little silly, funny, day to day things that make me swoon.

17. When do you know it's love? When your partner sees you at your absolute worst but thinks you’re beautiful anyway.

18. Do you speak any other languages? Franglais and Pig Latin

19. Have you ever been to tanning salon? Yes. Back in the 80’s to compensate for the metal mouth.

20. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Not nearly enough. That’s it! I’m renting a limo for my birthday and just riding around with my head out the sunroof. Who’s with me?

21. What's something that really annoys you? Selfish, rude or cowardly people.

22. What's something you really like? Blooper reels and outtakes.

23. Can you dance? Did Michael Jackson moonwalk? Damn straight I can. Do people stop and stare? Yes. In a good way? Um, no. Not always.

24. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Not yet...

25. Tag 5 people!

I'm tagging:
@sharondv
@oceansj
@acraftymom
@ladymamawrites
@littlemissmocha
@MrsLouLou